Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
