you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
