The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
