Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
