I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
