You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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