drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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