if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
