I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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