Life is so much better after having sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
