My cat gives me a boner
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
