I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
