i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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