WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
