Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
