the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
