In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Even my vagina gasped.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
