i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize