you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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