so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
