My underwear smells like fireworks.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
