On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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