Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My vagina just clenched in fear
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