I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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