just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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