Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
