it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
