You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
