i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
