Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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