PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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