I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
