Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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