You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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