Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
