I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
