I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
