I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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