i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
