I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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