pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
