Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
