When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
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if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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