I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
