I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
