Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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