You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
