She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
