That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
