woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
