you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
