i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
