u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
