You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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