I just cut my nipple shaving
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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